New Column: Haters Gonna Hate

Every time I'm on Beatport, I make the same mistake and listen to genre charts to get a feeling for what people are currently buying. It's usually just a matter of minutes until the veins on my neck and head are getting swollen in anger, disgust and/or sheer desperation.

Since we all know that's not healthy, my lama advised me to get rid of my hard feelings and establish my inner balance again. Easier said than done - some of the music offered (not so bad) and being purchased (that IS bad) is not only not my taste, I've come to accept that people have a different taste in music, but is plain crap, cheap, impertinently awful...wait, my veins...counting to 10.

Ok, I'm calm again.

So, what I'll be doing here is embedding a Beatport Top 10 player and drop one or two sentences on each tune. It's not going to make me a lot of new friends but this way, I'll be getting this off my chest and maybe you'll have a good laugh here or there, add your comment if you agree or disagree. We'll see.

Here's the current Top 10. Please be aware that these are the 10 best selling tracks on Beatport, regardless of their genre. These are the hits. This is what people buy, play and like. Yeah, I know, it's hard to believe.

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01. That's a cool little groover, I'd definitely play this and it's all over the summer playlists. But this is the best selling tune? Ok, the lyrics are cool. Better this one then the next in the list.

02. The Clash. Are you kidding me? I mean, they're a cool band and stuff (and this wasn't their best tune imo) but do we really need more of these crossover rip offs? I wonder if this sample is licensed and how much that was. Other than that, it's a beat with somebody else's musical performance playing offbeat. 30mins and the track is done, mastering it probably took longer.

03. I remember Alex Kenji as an artist that made cool tracks. Are there two of them? But since this is a remix, maybe the original is better but I honestly don't want to know. We all need to pay our rent - this one will pay for the next six months at least. But did it really have to be that stutt-te-te-te-ter effect?

04. Nic Fanciuli, proper track, no complaints. Except for that vocal. If you're a kid of the 1990ies, you would have heard this on approximately 1,235 other tracks. If you were born later, you might find "groove is hypnotizing" to be a great punchline when having your first experiences with narcotics.

05. Oh your God! Everything about this "track" is just wrong. The buildup, the kick rolls, this "hey make that effect like on that Angello track", that bassline sound, the cheap synths. Your homework for tomorrow: find out which classical piece was robbed here. The first will win a free beer. I mean, I will drink one on you.

06. Disclaimer: I don't play Dubstep. But there are cool tracks, indeed. Every now and then, I find some cool british stuff (plus MCs with Cockney accent). I understand why people like this kind of music. This track though takes all the rubbish from other genres to amalgamate it into an epic stinking piece of shit: cliché dubstep synths (Magix Music Maker - get the Dubstep expansion now!), Gaga-ish trance chords, empty and stupid self-referential rhymes, voices that are the exact opposite of unique (hey, that one guy sounds like 2Live Crew - google that, kids).

07. Fedde Le Grand went into a secret studio session with Scooter. The Scooter guys took the best track and made it their current single, what can be heard here are the discarded leftovers that Fedde saved from the trashcan. Recovery software galore, even though it appears that some of the audio files were corrupted. But playing back digital noise at 0dB DFS is just fucking loud and that's what counts.

08. Hey, I've never heard that scream sample before! I wonder if Afrojack performed it in an intense studio session to make it sound so distinctive. All these synth lines and arpeggios are so incredibly cheap and small sounding, I'd sue the manufacturer of the construction kit. But this lifter effect - wow, not from this world.

09. This track is ok. Nothing special but not bad. Its lyrics ("what happens that...") are also inspired by some classic sample I've forgotten the source. But it's a shaker, good for open air venues, has a positive vibe, doesn't hurt.

10. Mark Knight has some proper tunes in his catalogue, no doubt about that. This is not one of them. It has "hit" written all over it and that's what I don't like. Sure, mission accomplished - if David Guetta can do it why not try as well? At least the timbre of the vocalist is more pleasant than Kelly Rowland. The rest is Casio (cheap plastic) and predictable.

Ok, I can't take no more - feel free to browse the next 10 superhits.